This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
