i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize