Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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