What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
