New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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