tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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