He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
