do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
