dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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