Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
