I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
