Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dignity is for republicans.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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