i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
