someone threw a dead crab at me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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