I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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