Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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