I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
