um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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