i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
