shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
