I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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