I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
