No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
