I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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