His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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