she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize