Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
