filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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