everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
