dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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