i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
