She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
