Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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