omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
