In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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