this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
