please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
