Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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