my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
