just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
