Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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