I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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