I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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