I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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