then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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