The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
