i wish there were pregnant emoticons
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize