Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
