I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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