i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
