and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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