I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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