i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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