He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize