yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
