I can text with my tongue
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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