Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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