the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
