I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
