Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
