Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
