he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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