chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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